Four Things Matter Most
Don't Wait Till Death Approaches to Use These Words
By Cat Saunders
Gather your courage and consider this scenario: You're sitting quietly
at home when the telephone rings. You answer it and find out that the
person closest to you has just been killed in an accident.
After the shock, and after you get the necessary details, what's your
first thought? If you're like many people, you might think back to your
last interaction.
Did you share a leisurely meal together, or were you both rushing about
frantically? Did you have a nice conversation, or had you been arguing?
Did you take time to embrace before parting ways, or did you forget to
even say goodbye?
Most importantly, were you up to date with each other—no unfinished
business, no unexpressed appreciation, no "I love you's" left
unsaid?
When I was 12 years old, my best girlfriend died suddenly and unexpectedly.
In between waves of shock and grief, I felt guilty about some things I'd
said to her in the weeks before her death. Although I'd also been supportive,
my hurtful words still haunted me.
Thus, at the ripe old age of 12, I vowed to treat people as if each time
I see them may be the last time I see them.
This doesn't mean I don't have disagreements with people, nor does it
mean I don't struggle sometimes with unresolved issues with family or
friends. Sometimes I act like a total ignoramus, and sometimes when I
act responsibly, people still feel hurt by me. Nonetheless, I aspire to
uphold my vow.
There are four things that help me stay on track with this. I first heard
about these things in 1985, when I met one of my most important spiritual
teachers, Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len.
In those days, Ihaleakala traveled the world
with the Hawaiian kahuna, Morrnah Nalamaku Simeona (now deceased). Together
they taught a forgiveness process called Ho'oponopono to thousands of
individuals and organizations, including the United Nations. Ihaleakala
still teaches Ho'oponopono, which is designed to cut and clear karmic
ties.
In addition to teaching me Ho'oponopono, Ihaleakala taught me that there
are only three things worth saying: I love you, I forgive you, please
forgive me. Over the years, I've noticed that Ihaleakala (ee-ha-lee-AH-ka-lah)
is also big on gratitude, so it would be fair to add "thank you"
to that list.
Because Ihaleakala taught me the power of those simple words, I was excited
to learn that another man I deeply admire, Dr. Ira Byock, has written
an entire book about the same four statements. It's called The Four
Things That Matter Most (released in March 2004 by Free Press, a division
of Simon & Schuster).
Dr. Byock is a nationally recognized authority
in palliative and end-of-life care, and he currently serves as Director
of Palliative Medicine at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center in New Hampshire.
Ira came into my life in 1999 when I interviewed him about his first book,
Dying Well, as part of my series
of articles on death.
When I first read Dying Well, I was deeply moved not only by the stories,
but by the physician telling them. Ira is a natural-born storyteller with
a heart as big as the sky. When he talks about his patients and their
families, it's as if you're there with them.
Ira's stories in The Four Things That Matter Most are equally
poignant. In the face of serious illness and impending death, he shows
how people can use the Four Things to heal their relationships and transform
their lives. The four guiding statements he offers are: please forgive
me, I forgive you, I love you, and thank you.
Through the vehicle of humankind's earliest form of teaching—storytelling—Ira's
books make it easier for you and me to "try on" different ways
of being with death and dying. However, as Ira makes clear in his books,
you don't have to wait for illness or death to help you grow.
As long as you're here, it's not too late
to use the Four Things to clean up unfinished business and breathe new
life into your relationships. Don't wait. Connect with those you care
about and speak from your heart: I love you...I forgive you...please forgive
me...thank you. These are the four things that matter most.
This article was originally published in Evergreen Monthly (April
2004).
To contact Dr. Ira Byock or learn more about his work, please visit
www.thefourthings.org.
For more information about Ho'oponopono,
please visit http://www.hooponopono.org.
You can read Cat's interview with Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, "100%
Responsibility and the Promise of a Hot Fudge Sundae."
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