Quality Time Dates
Is Your Relationship Worth 15 Minutes a Day?
By Cat Saunders
In today's world of multitasking madness, relationships suffer. People who are in primary relationships say they don't have time to connect with their partner in a meaningful way each day—and people who aren't in primary relationships may avoid intimacy because they think relationships take too much time.
Somewhere between too little time and too much time lies the truth, which is that good relationships take some time to keep them running smoothly.
My longtime partner, John Giovine, and I have been using a simple check-in technique nearly every day since the late 1980s when we first developed it (we've been together since 1987). We call it our "Quality Time Date" or "QT Date" for short.
The format for QT Dates is easy to learn and easy to use. But don't be fooled by its simplicity, because QT Dates are also very powerful. In fact, John and I credit our daily check-ins as a major factor in helping us strengthen, deepen, and maintain our relationship as a couple.
You can use QT Dates to nurture any relationship, but this article will focus on primary or "significant other" relationships (e.g., partner or spouse).
QT Dates take only 15 minutes a day, although you can certainly go longer if you like. When you first start doing QT Dates, however, I recommend that you keep them in the 15-minute range.
In most relationships, one person is usually more verbal than the other, so it's good to make your QT Dates long enough to do the job, but short enough so the less verbal person doesn't get overloaded. When you first start doing QT Dates, it's best to err on the side of too short versus too long.
Although 15 minutes isn't very much, some people say they can't even devote that amount of time to their relationship each day. However, if you and your partner make your QT Dates a priority, I bet they will actually save you time because you'll avoid many of the conflicts that inevitably arise from a lack of good communication and mutual consideration.
I don't know about you, but John and I have noticed that the time it takes to sort out relationship conflicts far exceeds the time it takes to avoid such misunderstandings in the first place. Obviously, not all conflict can be avoided, but if you're like us, you'd probably prefer to have the least amount of conflict possible!
If you decide to try these daily dates, I recommend that you allow a generous amount of time to give them a chance to work. You've probably heard of the farmer who keeps pulling up his newly planted sprouts to see if they're growing? Don't be like him!
Figure out what amount of time you and your partner are willing to give your initial experiment with QT Dates, and begin there. If you aren't willing to try them for at least a month, don't bother starting. Habit-change experts say it generally takes at least three weeks to change a behavior, and frankly, I think that's overly optimistic.
It would be great if you can give your dates at least three-month trial period before you decide whether or not they're helping. During this period, treat your QT Date like a meditation practice and just do it without focusing on results.
Let me pause here to say a word about one of the main purposes of QT Dates: They are designed to keep you and your partner up-to-date with each other on a daily maintenance basis; they are not designed for relationship overhaul work!
In addition, QT Dates are not designed to be two-way conversations or processing sessions. If something comes up that warrants further discussion, make a date—with each other and/or with a counselor—to handle the issue on another day. If you let your QT dates devolve into long, drawn-out discussions, that's one sure way to kill them!
Below are the four basic components of a QT Date:
1) Mad/Sad/Glad/Scared Feelings
2) Mutual Appreciation
3) Prayers/Intentions
4) Three Nice Things
John and I begin our daily dates with "Mad/Sad/Glad/Scared" statements. These statements come from a communication technique originally developed by the late Eric Berne, M.D., who was famous for his work with Transactional Analysis.
My understanding is that Berne wanted to find a way to communicate feelings that was so simple even children could do it. Although there are many ways to express feelings, I like Berne's model not only because it's simple, but also because it helps people identify and "bottom-line" their feelings and express them in responsible, first-person "I" statements.
In the first portion of our QT Date, John and I each take a turn expressing our feelings using the Mad/Sad/Glad/Scared model, while the other person simply listens.
Listening means that you give the other person your full attention without chiming in, criticizing, adding your two cents' worth, or "swiping the focus." It's important to learn how to "be with" your partner's feelings without trying to change or "fix" them in any way.
Being heard is one of the most precious gifts you can give anyone. Unfortunately, some people like to be the focus of attention even when they're (supposedly) listening, so they're always looking for ways to interrupt, add a story of their own, or offer (unsolicited) advice. Needless to say, poor listening skills can lead to chronic communication problems in relationships.
The Mad/Sad/Glad/Scared model works like this:
Let's say I'm starting this part of the date and John is the listener. I might say: "I'm mad that a man at the grocery store swore at me today when I accidentally bumped into him with my cart. I'm sad that I have to get another crown replaced and it's going to cost a mint. I'm glad that I got a bunch of good mail today. I'm scared that there might not be any rainforests left in ten years."
As you can see from these examples, you can talk about anything you want during this part of the date—whether it's personal, interpersonal, or global; superficial or deep; or related to the past, present, or future. This is your time to express your feelings about anything, so go for it!
Just be sure you communicate responsibly, so it's clear that your statements are about YOU and YOUR feelings, as opposed to blaming someone or something else for how you feel. For example, consider the following two statements:
I'm mad that there was toothpaste all over the sink this morning when I went in the bathroom.
I'm mad that you always leave big messes in the bathroom and expect me to clean them up!
Which statement sounds more responsible to you?
After I cycle through a few rounds of Mad/Sad/Glad/Scared statements, I switch roles with John, so he can take a turn while I listen. The only thing that I (as the listener) might say is "Thanks" or "Thanks for telling me" after John is all done. That's it. No processing, no commenting—and no swiping the focus! The listener always and only listens.
During the Mad/Sad/Glad/Scared exchange, remember that you're aiming for a 15-minute date overall, so you can gauge your individual sharing time accordingly. A ballpark figure would be 3-4 minutes per person for this section of the date. That might not seem like much, but you can actually cover a lot of ground in a few minutes if you stick with the basic format.
You don't need to get obsessive about time-keeping. Just do your best to stay on track, and err on the side of being to-the-point when it's your turn to talk. The practice of expressing your feelings responsibly is as important as the content of whatever you share.
When you're sharing your feelings, you may notice that sometimes you might not be in touch with a particular feeling. If this happens, be sure to give the feeling a chance to come up by saying the lead-in phrase for that feeling as described above.
If nothing comes up, don't worry. Just notice this and acknowledge that you don't have anything to say about that particular feeling, then move onto the next one.
If you notice that you repeatedly draw a blank for the same feeling, you may want to explore what that's about by talking with a friend, mentor, or counselor, and/or working with it on your own.
For instance, one of my clients noticed that he almost always forgot to do any "I'm scared that" statements when he and his partner did QT Dates. In fact, he didn't even remember to include the lead-in phrase for "scared" when he did that portion of the date. Given how men in our culture are conditioned never to show fear—much less feel and acknowledge it—this omission didn't surprise either of us.
After John and I have both had a turn doing feelings, we move onto the next part of our date, which we call Mutual Appreciation. For this part, we use the same general format, in terms of making first-person statements (with one person speaking and the other listening). The difference is that we use only one lead-in phrase—"I appreciate"—and we specifically focus on things we appreciate about each other.
When you express things you value about your partner, be specific. Mention all the little things that touched you that day. Talk about the big things, too, such as how much you appreciate your partner's kindness, integrity, and sense of humor.
You can give specific examples from that day or from days gone by. It's definitely okay to say the same things again on different days, if you continue to appreciate these things. I don't know about you, but I don't mind hearing what my partner likes about me even if I've heard it before!
If by chance you're mad at each other on a particular day, it's even more important to do the appreciation section of your date. When you're angry, it may seem difficult to come up with something you like about your partner, because most of us were conditioned to believe that love and anger are mutually exclusive. Not so!
Part of being responsible in a relationship means staying in touch with love even in the midst of anger. Don't withhold appreciation in order to "punish" your partner. During times of conflict, most people need more—not less—assurances of love. So don't be stingy with appreciation when you're mad, even if all you can appreciate about your partner is that he or she is willing to put up with you when you're mad!
After the appreciation portion of the date comes Prayers/Intentions. For this part, John and I say a one-sentence prayer together out loud. The prayer we use comes from a chapter called "The Resolution Prayer" in Dr. Cat's Helping Handbook: A Compassionate Guide to Being Human. It goes like this:
"Anything unresolved in my life now resolves itself gently, easily, and completely for the good of all."
You and your partner are welcome to use the Resolution Prayer if it appeals to you (the book provides more details about this prayer and how to use it). Of course, you can also make up your own prayer for this part of the date.
If the word "prayer" puts you off, you can substitute whatever word fits your style better, in terms of stating a positive focus, intention, or goal. In addition, feel free to change or revise your prayer or intention as needed.
After we do the Resolution Prayer out loud together, John and I complete our QT Dates by sharing "Three Nice Things" that happened to each of us that day. The structure is the same as before, with each person having a chance to talk as well as listen.
For example, I might say: One nice thing that happened today was that the neighbor's cat came over to visit me while I was gardening. Another nice thing is that I got a letter from my longtime hero, Andrew Vachss. Another nice thing that happened today is that I felt really good about my work with clients.
After John tells me three nice things about his day, we cap off our date by thanking each other and then we're done.
To help your QT Dates get off the ground, I want to offer two additional tips that John and I figured out after doing them for a while. One involves how to initiate the date.
When we first started doing QT Dates, I got frustrated because I was usually the one who initiated, and I wanted John to share that responsibility. For one thing, I assumed that if he didn't ask for QT Dates, it meant that he didn't want to do them.
When we talked about this, I found out that my assumption was incorrect. He truly did enjoy the dates and definitely wanted to do them—he simply didn't remember to initiate as often as I did. This made sense in regard to our different personal styles, so I let go of my mistaken assumption and asked him to brainstorm a win-win solution with me.
What we came up with has worked really well for us, namely, we take turns initiating QT Dates on a weekly basis. One week it's John's turn to initiate our dates, and the next week it's my turn.
If, for example, it's John's week and he doesn't initiate a date when we head out for our evening walk, I simply say, "Is it your week or my week?"
That simple reminder question allows me to mention the date without actually initiating it, and then John can do his part by saying, "It's my week. Want to have a date?"
What's funny is that once we came up with this plan, the die-hard initiator (Cat) would sometimes forget to initiate when it was my week. Then John was the one who would have to nudge me with the reminder question, "Is it my week or your week?"
Obviously, the point is to do the date, not to engage in silly power struggles about who initiates and who doesn't. Save time and learn from our mistakes by taking turns as "Initiator" on a weekly basis, or else come up with your own plan to get the job done.
The final tip I want to give you is that John and I learned early on that it's helpful to do QT Dates while walking, instead of sitting inside and staring at each other. There's something both physically and metaphorically wonderful about moving forward together, looking in the same direction as a couple.
In addition, walking encourages fuller breathing, which is always good for the body, mind, and soul. Walking also puts you in contact with the environment around you, which allows for interesting experiences and fun surprises that would never happen if you stay inside.
For example, John and I have a few regular routes in our neighborhood that we use for our daily walk-dates, which usually take place in the early evening, rain or shine. Because we've done these walks every day for many years, we get to know the cats and dogs who live along our favorite routes, and we look forward to visiting them to get our daily "hits" of animal energy.
Now that you know how to do our version of QT Dates, perhaps you and your partner will give them a try. Feel free to customize your QT Dates in whatever way you like—and whatever you do, have a good time together!
This article was revised and updated in 2011 from an original piece first published in L.A. Resources (Summer 1991).
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